Doping Alert: Mario and Sonic will NOT be at the Olympic games this year.

By Jake Derouin

In what were just weeks since 5-time Olympian Sonic the Hedgehog was hit with a 4-year ban for testing positive for Nandrolone due to what he claims was a tainted Chili Dog, another one of Japan’s finest athletes will be absent from the Olympic games. A recent report has surfaced that all-star sprinter and High Jumper Mario has tested positive for mushrooms. After his exciting victory in the 100m at the Olympic Trials last week, Mario will now receive a 30-day ban from the positive test. This ban, while short, will prevent him from competing in Tokyo this July. Mario has stated that he takes full responsibility for his actions and explained how his girlfriend was recently kidnapped (again), and mushrooms helped him cope.

As a result of these two high-profile suspensions, the Chemical Plant Zone has been the topic of criticism for its athlete drug testing procedures. While not shown to have performance-enhancing characteristics, mushrooms are classified as a “substance of abuse” and therefore are banned from consumption. This is despite mushrooms being legal in many countries, including Mario’s home in the Mushroom Kingdom. Criticism is also being directed at the head of the CPZ, Dr. Robotnik (aka Eggman), with his involvement in recent attempts of world domination, as evidenced by a leaked internal email to the head of testing operations Bowser. Many are demanding the doctor to resign as goals for world domination and regulation of world athletic competition eligibility represents a conflict of interest. Reports have also been circulating that Bowser has had a history of involvement in the kidnappings of high-profile political figures.

With the advancing age of the athletes: Sonic turning 30 this year and Mario turning 36, some believe that this ban might be a Game Over for their Olympic careers.

In other news, athletes such as Shadow the Hedgehog and Metal Sonic have also been wrapped up in controversy due to the ongoing debate about whether the use of rocket shoes constitutes technological doping. Because of these concerns, the IOC is currently considering legislation to regulate shoes in the future with one proposal to allow only one set of rockets per shoe for each athlete. When Shadow was asked whether he thinks that rocket shoes should be regulated, he responded, “I am the ultimate lifeform; I only need my superior genetic engineering to crush all who oppose me.” Some people have taken his response as evidence of yet another controversy in Olympic sports with whether genetically enhanced individuals should be allowed to compete in athletics.