Categories
Funny Technology

WristTalk: The Apple Watch app that helps you get the girl.*

The WristTalk app icon (Yes this is a real app I made)

Awkward Silence: A Nightmare.

Dates can be stressful. Not only do you have to make sure you are looking your nicest, but you have to figure out so many things. Where you are going? What are you wearing? What time you are going. Should you hold her hand? Would she find that poop joke funny? Now let’s say you figured all of that out. You are on a date having fancy dinner at Chuck E. Cheeses and everything is going great. Suddenly, out of nowhere you find yourself out of conversation. You begin to stress, looking around the room for something to force your creative juices to make some good conversation. You glance over at her, she begins to laugh uncomfortably as you turn bright red. But luckily for you, you have the perfect remedy up your sleeve (literally, unless you are wearing short sleeves).

Question on WristTalk

Introducing WristTalk. The app that removes the “silence” from awkward silence.

WristTalk to the rescue! WristTalk is a 100% free Apple Watch app for anyone who is desperate enough to search for an app to help them on dates (including me). Packed with over 100 different conversation starters available right on your wrist. Simply open the app on your watch and ask a question and boom, you will be chatting up a storm. With questions ranging from casual topics such as “Would you be a professional bank robber if you could never get caught?” to questions that can hint at something larger such as “Where was your first kiss?” There are conversation starters for every stage of a relationship whether you are stuck in the friend zone or going for your two week anniversary. Before you know it she will be bragging to her friends with how good of a conversation maker you are.

The menu page

Features to prepare for your next date

In addition to combating awkward silence, WristTalk has features to help you be ready for peak conversational performance on your upcoming date. With the favorite feature, you can hand pick questions prior to your date that you know she would love. Additionally, with the completed feature, you can prevent yourself from going into grandparent mode and accidently repeating a conversation starter. Best of all, after loading WristTalk once, all of the questions are automatically downloaded and will work online and offline, so even if you are having a romantic moment at the mile high club, you can be sure that you will always have great conversation.

*This statement has not been approved by the FDA, NSA, CIA, NCAA or any other person other than myself. Use at your own risk. Removes silence but not awkwardness.

Download WristTalk today for free on the App Store:

App Store (only available on Apple Watch)

Categories
Funny

Doping Alert: Mario and Sonic will NOT be at the Olympic games this year.

By Jake Derouin

In what were just weeks since 5-time Olympian Sonic the Hedgehog was hit with a 4-year ban for testing positive for Nandrolone due to what he claims was a tainted Chili Dog, another one of Japan’s finest athletes will be absent from the Olympic games. A recent report has surfaced that all-star sprinter and High Jumper Mario has tested positive for mushrooms. After his exciting victory in the 100m at the Olympic Trials last week, Mario will now receive a 30-day ban from the positive test. This ban, while short, will prevent him from competing in Tokyo this July. Mario has stated that he takes full responsibility for his actions and explained how his girlfriend was recently kidnapped (again), and mushrooms helped him cope.

As a result of these two high-profile suspensions, the Chemical Plant Zone has been the topic of criticism for its athlete drug testing procedures. While not shown to have performance-enhancing characteristics, mushrooms are classified as a “substance of abuse” and therefore are banned from consumption. This is despite mushrooms being legal in many countries, including Mario’s home in the Mushroom Kingdom. Criticism is also being directed at the head of the CPZ, Dr. Robotnik (aka Eggman), with his involvement in recent attempts of world domination, as evidenced by a leaked internal email to the head of testing operations Bowser. Many are demanding the doctor to resign as goals for world domination and regulation of world athletic competition eligibility represents a conflict of interest. Reports have also been circulating that Bowser has had a history of involvement in the kidnappings of high-profile political figures.

With the advancing age of the athletes: Sonic turning 30 this year and Mario turning 36, some believe that this ban might be a Game Over for their Olympic careers.

In other news, athletes such as Shadow the Hedgehog and Metal Sonic have also been wrapped up in controversy due to the ongoing debate about whether the use of rocket shoes constitutes technological doping. Because of these concerns, the IOC is currently considering legislation to regulate shoes in the future with one proposal to allow only one set of rockets per shoe for each athlete. When Shadow was asked whether he thinks that rocket shoes should be regulated, he responded, “I am the ultimate lifeform; I only need my superior genetic engineering to crush all who oppose me.” Some people have taken his response as evidence of yet another controversy in Olympic sports with whether genetically enhanced individuals should be allowed to compete in athletics.